Saying goodbye is so painful. Every time I have to leave someone I love, it hurts so much. I hurt. I see them hurt. All the people who love us hurt. It pulls up the memories of leaving others in the past.
Then separating, a previously combined life, is one of the most painful experiences we go through as humans. What’s mine, what is his, what is ours? When in doubt I leave things. When I divorced my children’s father he said, ‘Take anything you think is yours.’ I took my children and their beds and clothes and my clothes and ended up with one slotted spoon, that I still have. I left all the furniture, my new washer and dryer and computer and printer, all the yard tools, even though I was the gardener. I also took both cars, as they were in my name and I was still paying on them and I took all the debt. I knew he would never pay it. It took me 6 years to pay off all the debt while raising my children with no child support or alimony. Living below the poverty level for so many years, I really hadn’t gotten accustomed to a lush lifestyle I wanted to maintain through him.
For a long time I still loved my children’s father, but I could no longer live with him. It was time to make my own decisions about how I lived my life and take control of finances, spirit in my home and the raising of my children in a kinder, supportive way.
It has been a lot of years and none of it has been simple or easy. I don’t know how other single parents manage without help; I don’t know how I’ve gotten this far. Miracles mostly; friends, family and other things I can’t explain.
My current household is me and my 2 youngest, both in high school. I never thought this day would come! No diapers! Everyone in school all day! And a second vehicle so I’m not running kids for the first time in my adult life! I actually have whole days to myself, to make my home nicer, enjoy the outdoors, read, do things with friends, see the beauty around me. It has also given me time to sort, sift and filter my life. What I am willing to do and not do; believe and not believe; and what energy I will allow around me. I have learned so much…
You can love someone and care deeply about them and still not be able to live with them. You can recognize your differences and realize that, to be together, you have to not be who you truly are, which really isn’t acceptable. You can not be someone you are not, to make someone else happy. This isn’t to say you shouldn’t morph and improve and become a better you, but to change who you truly are to make someone else comfortable is wrong. And so many times, we do that very thing. Maybe this realization, is part of what is happening all over our country, allowing couples to split up, heal and find who they are, so they can be themselves again.
I know I had to have color in my life. Color in flowers, fabric, paintings, pictures, people. I had to have quiet. Minimal electric devices running, especially a television. My nerves can’t take, and I don’t choose to have, incessant mechanical background noise.
Now I live on a river. I hear the river, the wind in the trees, birds in the morning and my wind chimes, the laughter of neighbor children and others playing in the water and on the lawns around. I don’t hear traffic or sirens or other loud, disturbing raucous sounds. It is peaceful here. It is healing here. Friends are welcome and they enjoying visiting and chilling here.
One of the tenets I was raised with was that, ‘Men are, that they might have joy.’ I always assumed that meant women too, as in men=mankind. Regardless, ‘joy’ is what I seek. It is something I’ve caught odd glimpses here and there, generally having to do with my children and their children. I would like joy to be my friend, visit more often and stick around. It is a difficult time right now and I know I need help. It’s not the kind of help you turn to your children for, not when you are supposed to be their rock de jour. And as great as my friends are, they all have their things they are dealing with now, too. I’m not a religious person, although I do get strength from my faith in the oneness and connectedness of things.
Today, I need something bigger to help me. Something I can’t define. It’s not the faith of my childhood. It is bigger than mere religion, more universal, beyond the first principles. I will tap into the passion of others, allow their faith and talents to lift my spirits. And I will share with you, so you don’t think you are alone in your struggles. Know there is hope for you, too. Please enjoy a Beautiful rendition of a piece of music from my childhood. Lift your chin and know you are loved too, by something bigger than yourself and by friends you have yet to meet… namaste’.