Although I have known about AA and Al-Anon for years, I have never gone to a meeting. I hoped they helped people, but thought I was doing okay, searching for understanding in books, and websites and conversations with friends and normal stuff. When the opportunity presented itself, Saturday, in Park City, I went to an Al-Anon meeting. I hadn’t gone through all the stress the next few hours would bring yet, so amazingly, I went through a 90 minute meeting, with strangers sharing stories just like mine and did not cry! I was touched by this experience though. Every person in this room shared just what I needed to hear.
You know, if you follow this blog, you know I have used all kinds of therapies to heal and move forward with life. I have been to several types of therapists, learned from them, had Reiki, hypnotherapy, listened to The Listening Program®, been to massage therapists, chiropractors, a micro-current therapist, done Clarity Writing and other writings and well, you get the point.
Listening to TLP has helped all kinds of repressed memories come to the surface, to be dealt with, from childhood, marriage and other adult experiences. It has not been easy, but I felt these things were beneficial, because if I know what is bothering me, I can choose to do something about it. The more memories and issues that came up, the more issues and memories came up and I have been on overload, having difficulty keeping my life peaceful.
A piece of information has been missing. I have always tried to do things alone, fix things, bend over backwards to make things better for people, who often times, weren’t happy no matter what I did!
It started as a kid. Nothing I ever did was good enough. Even when an alcoholic gives up drinking for life, does not mean their behavior will be good, kind or loving. Things were said and done, consistantly, in my household growing up, that would end in arrest today. It is hard to admit. I excused the abusive behavior, as not everyone knows how to parent. But the truth is, we, as individuals and a family, needed help.
There can be sides to alcoholics that are awesome! People admire and love them for their personalities and how hard they can work to make up for the sick side of life with them. Even when alcoholics accomplish much in his life, they are still alcoholics. I have memories of being beaten as a toddler. I know things were done to my siblings. The drinking stopped when I was 5, but not drinking does not make you not an alcoholic. And not drinking does not stop the abuse by itself.
Dad didn’t drink for 50 some years after that, but the disease was still a controlling issue his whole life. And what does that say about me?
I am the adult child of an alcoholic.
Alcoholism is a family disease. It effects everyone in the family and in my life, 3 generations, that I know of. I grew up with it, I divorced it, left jobs with it, have broken up with it and deal with it with my own, dear children. Don’t misunderstand this! I love and loved all these people. But I will no longer support the behavior and choices of those afficted. And, very importantly, I never want to attract this type of intimate relationship again.
This is me, being myself. Not what someone else wants me to be, to make them comfortable. I am just being me. And I will continue to use the therapies that are helping me heal. And I hope, as you read this, you realize you are not alone in your struggles and there are solutions out there for you too.