I had never seen Kramer vs Kramer. I never wanted to see a movie about divorce and a custody battle over a child. But with everything else I’ve taken on lately it seemed like a good idea. I cry alot lately anyway!
So I watched the movie and now I think I have new things to work through. When I divorced my kids’ father I thought it was better for my kids to have 1 parent trying than 2 parents who were totally messed up. That is nicer than I would have put it 12 years ago. It is also way more narrow minded than I would choose to be now.
I’m not beating myself up, because I did the best I could with what I had to work with at the time, but my decisions were based on fear. Fear is not such a good long-term foundation for decision making! I was afraid I would never have any control over my own life, that I would have to live with unacceptable situations and that I would never thrive.
It’s 12 years later, people and let’s take a quick tally.
1-“I was afraid I would never have any control over my own life…” well what exactly do I have control over? My own reactions or non-reactions to things, for one. I am learning to control my thoughts and actions and all kinds of things like stopping myself from judging everyone and everything around me, choosing to stop myself before speaking and thinking first, ‘Am I being compassionate?’ Am I being especially compassionate with my own children and their partners and their children? My friends and family and those around me at work and in my daily life? Things like that I can control…
2-“that I would have to live with unacceptable situations and …” Well I can control unacceptable situations by extricating myself, which I have done… oh… dozens of times at least! How do I get in them, you ask? I don’t answer, ‘Shut up!’ I just think it! I choose them, duh! And the ones I don’t know how I get into them, I can choose to look for the lessons, make the best of the adventure and be open to opportunities to jump.
And the really big unacceptable situations I seem to find myself in, the ones I can’t fix all by my little ole self, I let go. I let go and let God handle things. I say, ‘let go and let God,’ all day long some days and when I can’t sleep, like last night, I say it in the dark. Pretty sure God hears me in the dark.
3-“that I would never thrive.” Ah now there’s a good one to consider. What exactly is thriving? Cuz maybe I am thriving and I can’t see it from my limited perspective. Pick a category: home, family, friends, relationships, education, work, avocations, business, health, appearance… I see so much room for improvement and yet things are much more peaceful than they have been.
I think I’ll try to sleep on it, since that didn’t work so well last night…