Now…

Crossing by Mark Schultz

There are a couple of things I have done that have made significant improvements to the issues I deal with from a car wreck I had almost 7 years ago. Surgeries, chiropractic care, all manner of therapies for physical symptoms and such were my path for the first few years. But by last year there were symptoms still untreated. I had things missing from my ability to function emotionally and mentally that had affected my thinking, communication and other abilities.

In December 2009 I started the listening protocols for Advanced Brain Technology’s The Listening Program®  (TLP). That journey is chronicled within this lovely blog of mine. In a nutshell I have been listening to TLP®  mostly continuously for 18 months. I focused on sensory integration (SI) for weeks and believe it is the reason I no longer suffer from chronic back and joint pain from the accident. I still have issues with my right knee, but then I had surgery on it twice so I let something kind of barbaric happen to it, on purpose. There is a lot more to this, but I did mention a nutshell. TLP has calmed my mind and emotions. My brain functions in ways it never did even before the accident! I wanted clarity in my life and I have clarity more often than not now.
 
Due to TLP I listen and understand better, am way less antsy, did I mention calmer? I have had repressed memories surface of the OMG kind and weathered their storms without excess emotion many times now. This brilliant therapy has been a godsend to me and I am very grateful.
 
I am focusing on the speech and language albums now. The ones I was afraid of months ago as they are the music frequencies affecting organs, emotions, communication and speech and language, obviously. The organs and emotions part is a bit of a leap of faith and done because I truly want to heal and be a better version of myself.
 
Another miracle in my life is my association with an anonymous fellowship called Al Anon. I blog about it as I had no idea what it was about and what good it could do in people’s lives and share in case you need some support and tools for your own life. I thought my life was just peachy and then a dear friend introduced me to Al Anon and life as I knew it ended. Perhaps another nutshell would be good here.
 
I have been on a search for truth my whole life I think. Pieces of truth were in religion, education, thousands of books I have read, seminars, workshops, and since internet through all kinds of links. And I have learned directly from humans, family, friends, others. Always alert for some answer to give meaning and understanding to a life that many times felt bereft of human connection and divine connection and any meaning whatsoever. I used to think, if only I were stupid I would not know how much trouble I am in!
 
Through Al Anon, I found some consistent tools that really work. Did I mention consistently? Go to 6 meetings and decide they said. I went to 1 and knew this was for me and right now. I read the 12 steps over and over, memorized the Serenity Prayer, and got a fantastic sponsor. Getting my sponsor showed me the hand of my higher power at work.
 
Circumstances led me to believe I could not get her, but really knew she would be perfect for me. I have lovely friends who are the sweetest cheerleaders telling me I am amazing which is awesome, but to really change my life I needed someone who would give me the look, just the right direction and hold me to my program. She absolutely does that with grace and humor and a great deal of intelligence and wisdom. I have gone through all the steps and have worked step 4 twice and just got bounced back to step 6 as I was stuck in fear Monday. Being in fear meant I was doubting my higher power. Working the steps and the rest of the program is not something you do once and graduate! It is a constant process for growth when followed correctly.
 
I go to Al Anon meetings. I went to 8 meetings in 7 days for weeks in Ogden UT. I chaired meetings to give back to the Al Anon Family Groups as they gave me so much. I come to those rooms of love and acceptance touched by the sharing strangers give me. And I so appreciate the lightening of my burdens when I share. Just saying things out loud releases some of their emotional hold over me and the kind faces of others who know what it is like makes me feel not so alone.
 
Perhaps I should mention the qualification for membership in Al Anon is to be affected by the alcoholism of a family member, friend or someone close to you. It is in generations of my biological family, I fell in love with it, worked for it, see it in people all around me. Insidious family disease. I may not be an alcoholic, but I have the other half of the disease, the enabling, managing side that goes crazy with the imbalance.
 
Addictions may look like a sloppy, word slurring drunk, seemingly funny in movies, or a highly functioning vacation binge drinker. It may look like a physically abusive person who sobers up and apologizes or a sneaky, mean verbally and emotionally abusive person who withholds intimacy and real love. They can be in your life everyday or leave and hurt through neglect and abandonment but the other side of the disease is just as damaging and I had to come bravely to the rooms of Al Anon to see the role I played so well in my life. I was someone trying way to hard to make sense of something that will never make sense.
 
I had to come to Al Anon to learn that no matter what is going on with anyone at all, I let into my life, I can find peace and serenity and not be responsible for the actions or inactions of those I love and care for. I can use the tools of this 12 step program to stay calm and centered and learn new healthy things about myself every day.
 
Today, my level of truth and understanding is this; I may have walked through those doors of Al Anon nearly 8 months ago because people in my life were making me crazy. That isn’t really why I am here today, still very much involved with the program. I am here because I need help. I need to heal and become the best version of myself I can be. I am my own qualifier for the program, not because I am an addict or an alcoholic but because my life is unmanageable because of this disease and I need help to get through this journey.
 
I also recognize that the only thing I am responsible for and have any control over is within me. Anything outside of myself is not my concern, I am not responsible and cannot change in any way. So I leave things alone that aren’t mine to mess with, but everything within is totally up to me to work on and fix. This is very freeing way to live life!
 
Now I see a light at the end of the tunnel. I have hope I did not have a year ago. I have a hope that I will love myself and those around me in a healthier way for myself and for them. I have a hope that I will continue to grow as a human being and be in a better position to be an integral member of my new community at the ‘end of the road’ in Santa Cruz. I have a hope that these gifts I have been given will bless the lives of others.
 
This is a long way from the disjointed, emotionless, woman in pain, I was in 2009. There are tools for us to make our own lives better, if we will just let them into our lives. These are just 2 that work very well for me and I highly suggest you find tools that work for you and if you already have them, dust them off and get after it. There is hope at the end of your tunnel too. Namaste’ Roxy
 
The Serenity Prayer: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
 
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About roxycross

Make a difference in your neighborhood! Check out www.roxycross.com. Namaste'
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