I joke that my superpower is creating humans, but I have taken that very seriously. I have held these little ones in my own body, nurturing them and I nursed them and fed them, diapered them and bathed them. I send them off to school, biting my nails that the world would be a safe place for them to experience life. And I suffered physical and emotional pain when they did and I suffered when they did and I burst with pride for their accomplishments and celebrated their successes.
And now that they have all flown the coop to create their own lives I look back at all these times and moments of motherhood and mourn the loss of this very special time of my life. I am not sure who I am when no one needs me and I’m not sure what to do with the rest of my life. One thing I do know is that God knew what I was about to go through and thrust the program of Al Anon in front of my face just in time to truly be of service to me. I am ever grateful to MJ for being an angel on earth right when I needed her. ;D
In Al Anon, which by the way, is an organization for family and friends of alcoholics and addicts, I have learned life skills and how to use tools to gain some sanity in the midst of the chaos that has been my life. I have learned to let go of outcomes, all outcomes as when I do that, the outcomes are much richer than anything I would have invented on my own. I have learned to stop passing judgment as passing judgment harms other and ourselves by putting and/or keeping us in positions that may not fit. Self criticism is part of this judgment and will keep me from growing and moving forward in my own life.
As I let go of those around me that I love so dearly, they may choose to stay close or not, but it is their choice, not mine to make. It is part of living an authentic life. A life pure of intent and gracious in acceptance, is my life and defines who I am and as I let go of that which no longer serves my life path, I am free to move more quickly through my life to a purpose greater than me.
As I let go of those I love, they are free to live life as they choose, learning their own lessons, their own way and in their own time. If I stand back, even as they self-destruct, I do not interfere with their dignity or choice. It is not my nature to let go, especially not of my children, but my children are not children any more, they are adults. And who am I to interfere with their life paths? My commitment was to nurture them to adulthood and be here when they need me, if I can be.
So, here I am, back the ‘who am I and what shall I do with the rest of my life’ part… Still working on that, so stay tuned…