I can remember the character issues I struggled with the first time I went through Step 4 and remember sharing them with my sponsor, which was difficult to do. Going through those 2 steps made being willing to have those defects disappear, very appealing. After coming to Santa Cruz I went back through the Blueprint for Progress list of Character issues and worked Step 4 again. It was a check-up of sorts, but even though it had just been a few months, I wanted to see how I was doing and what needed attention at that point.
Initially going through Step 4 was brutal and fearful, going through it the second time, by pure choice was a good experience. Now I know that when I have blocks to moving forward in life, more than likely I am my own blocks and taking a look at Step 4 is a perfect way to recognize and mitigate my current life issues, whatever they are!
A few weeks ago, I went back to the book and worked on Self-Worth and Honesty again. Being truly honest with myself seems to be a recurring issue after living with so much deception and self-deception for so long.
Today I am looking over the list again as new things are bothering me this weekend. I am no longer afraid of Step 4, 5 or 6 as I once was. In fact, today I look at the 12 Steps as dear friends, who are very much, there for me. The Steps are beautiful tools I can turn to in crisis, or simply for greater understanding and peace.
In looking ahead to having a relationship with someone in the future, I have to look at Trust, Intimacy, Relationships, Commitment, Maturity, Love, Sex, Values and my Spirituality again and in that searching, pull out the issues and poor patterns that will not serve me in an anticipated healthier relationship.
It will not serve me to hold back how I feel about things to make someone comfortable. It will not help us have a healthy relationship if I do not trust or open myself to intimacy fairly. It will not help if I have fear of being hurt or other things I have experienced consistently in the past. It would be lovely if I only have one more relationship in my life, because I was ready and my partner is ready and we work together in harmony mostly. That would be quite a gift!
So I continue to be aware of my blocks so I can turn them over to my higher power to remove them, whether it is a little at a time, like improving my self-worth or fairly quickly like how fast my resentments disappeared. I do not choose to keep any of my character defects and as I become aware of them and am ready to have God remove them.