And When I Was Wrong…

Al Anon Step 10 Overview:

Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Where I used to stuff things and not face my fears, made excuses for my behaviors and choices, I work today on recognizing these slips of moral behavior to stop myself in my tracks. For instance, last week, because of a conversation with one of my children I really started to build a nice resentment against all my children. (I also believe this is why we are told not to gossip. When you find out ‘people’ are talking about you and you don’t know exactly who said ‘people’ are, everyone becomes suspect. Not cool.)

I suffered under the thoughts that my children thought less of me than I wished, that my life as a mother had no value and I really floundered not knowing who I am and what I should be doing with myself in life right now. It was crazy but I hurt and I cried and sobbed and wondered what to do about it. I had to wonder what I had done to create such a reaction in my kids. Then I asked for help.

It occurred to me, that I was suffering needlessly. Since I had no idea who was saying what exactly, or if this one child was creating the scenario, I had to accept it and let it go. And in that process, I realized how much I had hurt myself in the process. I had to recognize the role I played in letting my own mind go crazy, causing me to suffer. Again I had to make amends to myself.

Gracious self care was needed. So I stopped what I was doing and went out in the back yard and laid out in the sun and enjoyed it. I also deferred to a list I made of things that make me happy. When stupid thoughts pop in my head I pull something off my ‘happy’ list to think about instead. My current favorite is ‘Wasabi Peas’. It is impossible to wallow in self pity when thinking about wasabi peas. Say it out loud and you will see what I mean. It’s ridiculous but it works.

In kindness to myself, I do not dwell on my personal inventory list. Being self-obsessive has never served me or those around me. Another thing I do is when my behavior or thoughts become iffy, I ask myself, why. Why am I getting testy? Because the source of my testiness deserves a ‘look see’, to resolve whatever is pushing those buttons, and sooner is better than later.