It’s been awhile since I posted. I lost a dear friend and apparently my mind with him. I’ve been in a bit of a fog and have focused on projects that needed my attention with fog in between. What I wanted to find was a way to function while honoring my loss.
The almost year I’ve been in Santa Cruz CA has been a year of grieving. I never took the time to grieve for my mother, my father, my marriages, the loss of my last love, for the younger version of me, for issues with my children… so many things. If tears had any weight to them, I’d be at my ideal weight!
I’ve cried and cried and read and written and talked with sponsors, friends, family. I’ve spent time in nature, in the mountains, on the cliffs and beaches and lots and lots of time alone.
For the first time in my life, I live alone now. Big Girl Panties Time! I wasn’t sure how I would do this, but I find I really like it! Not only do I not have to account for my time, I’m learning to take very good care of myself and I’m learning what I like! I’m cooking delicious healthy meals with leftovers for another time and actually heating them up and eating them later! I appreciate my time and enjoy what I do with it. If I need a day of planting flowers, raking the yard and making a vision board, I do it. If I need to stay up late writing, I do it. This time in my life is a very real gift and I appreciate it so much!
But for loss… it takes time and it takes effort. And that may sound funny. Loss isn’t something that happens to you. Loss just happens. How we deal with loss is a clear illustration of who we are. We can make the event all about us, revel in the drama and display weakness, fear and lack of maturity. We can immediately reach out to others, suck it up and be strong for those around us, displaying that stiff upper lip that leads to cancer, depression and negates our value. We can opt for a balance that honors our emotions while not creating drama while listening and supporting others. I’m working on a variation of the last one.
I will write about my friend, Scott at some point. Although our friendship was brief in time, it had a depth I have not had before, which is a tremendous gift. It taught me the value of opening my heart without expectation and being led by spirit. And now that he is gone, I am learning to sit in my emotions, truly feel them swirling about within and around me, grieve, share and heal.