Pretty much everything has made me question my qualities as a mother lately and there are reasons why. I have a son who is not speaking to me currently, for well over a year and I don’t know why. I have a daughter blogging about how she resents me as a mother and I have kids a rarely hear from and some, only when they need something from me. Mother’s Day came and went and if it weren’t for the other people in my life, the ones I did not give birth to, it would have sucked. I did get calls from 2 of my sons. Remember I gave birth to and raised 9 kids. Ugly odds.
In the midst of my motherhood angst, I see other blogposts from younger parents who struggle, too. Being a bit further along the parenthood continuum, I remember those days and I hope those frustrated parents don’t go through what I am going through because it is brutal and really uncool and undeserved. There are parents doing things to their kids they really shouldn’t. Even illegal things.
I honestly can look back over my 37 years as parent raising kids without a lot of regrets. Aside from the fact you cannot change anything, I still stand by the fact I have done the best I could with what I had to work with. Reading some of my blogposts going back 9 years, you can see I have humbly shared some pretty gnarly stuff about myself and my life and you ain’t seen the tip of the iceberg yet.
I’m just very grateful life is cyclical for a bunch of reasons. One reason for right now, is I am in contact with a couple of my kids fairly often and believe I have great relationships with them. Right now. I know I can flip at anytime, but for now, somethings are working and that makes me smile. Also, although my kids may be punks, their kids are awesome and my grand-kids love me! Even the teen-aged ones! Sweet! And I know everybody can go through times when the people they believe should love them have pretty shitty ways of showing it, so what you do can come back to smack you upside the head and that is an opportunity to learn. Learning is what we can gain from sucky times. I’m learning not to expect anything from some people and I am learning I can keep loving them anyway, as I always have done. I also am pretty good at attracting amazing people into my life now, which means a great deal to me. I am learning what is Truly important in my life, with a capital “T”.
Oh and back to the cyclical part, I was frustrated with my parents many times and for long periods of time and did not contact them for 6 months once, so now I know what that felt like. This time 15 years ago, I was dealing with losing everything we owned in a house fire, living in 2 rooms of a motel with all my children and their father while going to school and working full time and looking for housing while my marriage crashed to the ground. I didn’t call my mother for Mother’s Day as I didn’t have a house phone. There is an indication of brain deprivation and thorough stress. My mother died that week and I have regretted not calling her for 15 years. So I know what can happen abruptly in life and how sorry you can feel about not reaching out regardless of circumstances. Blehh…
Well, there have been times when I was on the “A” list in my kids lives. I like to think about those times. The times when my kids didn’t lie to me, or steal my things, or talk badly about me. The times I never thought I would see, like I heard my mother talk about and maybe her mother before her. But we all learn that sometimes kids do things that hurt us, and even purposefully and they are finding their own paths and apparently I am to bravely just take it and keep going. Unfortunately for them, though, I’m a writer and I write. I write to let go of my own pain and I write so you don’t feel alone in your struggles, and I have been doing this for 9 years, here! Thanks for listening and thanks for not judging my kids, because they are adults with their own lives and one of the ways we learn how to prioritize is by getting smacked by life, like I did with my mother’s sudden death. I love each of my children and I always have, no matter what and I always will, no matter what. I may not like their choices, but they are their choices, and I have no idea what strength their life paths will take them. Just know life can be painful no matter where you are on your life path and mine is a new challenge right now and one I never expected to hit me. Time to use my tools, like listening to The Listening Program and flower therapy and calling a dear friend to hear a loving voice and stuff like that! Namaste’