Finally. Finally I am seeing that what I have searched for all my life is within me. I always thought life would be good when I got to a certain place or had a certain situation in my life or was loved by the right person or some other external condition. It has taken a lot of years to realize how untrue that belief truly is!
It was such a gift to live alone most of last year. I house sat in a lovely home for several months, then rented a darling little bungalow in the Santa Cruz, California area. I had time to discover what made me tick. I learned how I liked my home to be, look like, smell like, the level of cleanliness, color, texture, design. I spent time growing flowers and food and then creating dishes using said foods plus other locally grown foods. I enjoyed sharing recipes and photos of the dishes I made with others and enjoyed their responses.
I sat in the sun. I sat in the sun on my deck. I enjoyed the sun and Monterrey Bay while walking on the beach, the walkways and the piers. I enjoyed the sun in the woods tramping about. I carved quiet time out of every day to be still and pay attention to my breathing. I also paid attention to my body and how it worked. I became more mindful of everything around me and began to love silence. The compulsion to fill the air with sound left. Even music, which I have always loved, was not essential to every waking moment.
Books that had sat on shelves, been moved from one place to another, yet not read, were finally read. I made time for other creative pursuits and reveled in the creations and the effort well spent. Phone conversations with my adult children and their kids were treasured. I developed friendships and worked on parts of myself that felt uncomfortable, using the tools to Al Anon. I could be alone and truly enjoy the company! It was a gift of solitude for 10 and a half months that I still treasure, as it gave me hope and a new platform from which to launch the next phase of my life.