Saying goodbye is so painful. Every time I have to leave someone I love, it hurts so much. I hurt. I see them hurt. All the people who love us, hurt, too. It pulls up the memories of leaving others in the past.
Then separating, a previously combined life, is one of the most painful experiences we go through as humans. What’s mine, what is his, what is ours? When in doubt I leave things. When I divorced my children’s father he said, ‘Take anything you think is yours.’ I took my children and their beds and clothes and my clothes and ended up with one slotted spoon, that probably lives in one of my kids’ houses.
I left all the furniture, my new washer and dryer and computer and printer, all the yard tools, even though I was the gardener. I also took both cars, as they were in my name and I was still paying on them and I took all the debt. I knew he would never pay it. It took me 6 years to pay off all the debt while raising my children with no child support or alimony. Living below the poverty level for so many years, I really had not gotten accustomed to a lush lifestyle I wanted to maintain through him.
For a long time I still loved my children’s father, but I could no longer live with him. It was time to make my own decisions about how I lived my life and take control of finances, spirit in my home and the raising of my children in a kinder, supportive way. It has been a lot of years and none of it has been simple or easy. I do not know how other single parents manage without help; I do not know how I have gotten this far. Miracles mostly; friends, family and other things I can’t explain.
When my household was me and my 2 youngest, both in high school, I never thought that day would come! No diapers! Everyone in school all day! And a second vehicle so I was not running kids for the first time in my adult life! I actually had whole days to myself, to make my home nicer, enjoy the outdoors, read, do things with friends, see the beauty around me. It also gave me time to sort, sift and filter my life. What I am willing to do and not do; believe and not believe; and what energy I will allow around me. I have learned so much…
You can love someone and care deeply about them and still not be able to live with them. You can recognize your differences and realize that, to be together, you have to not be who you truly are, which really is not acceptable. You cannot be someone you are not, to make someone else happy. This is not to say you should not morph and improve and become a better you, but to change who you truly are, to make someone else comfortable, is incorrect. And so many times, we do that very thing. Maybe this realization, is part of what is happening all over our country, allowing couples to split up, heal and find who they are, so they can be themselves again.
I know I had to have color in my life. Color in flowers, fabric, paintings, pictures, people. I had to have quiet. Minimal electric devices running, especially a television. My nerves cannot take the energetic noise and commotion, and I do not choose to have, incessant mechanical background noise.
Since that time, I have lived on a river. I heard the river, the wind in the trees, birds in the morning and my wind chimes, the laughter of neighbor children and others playing in the water and on the lawns around. I did not hear traffic or sirens or other loud, disturbing raucous sounds. It was peaceful there. It was healing there. Friends were welcome and they enjoyed visiting and chilling there.
Then I lived on a bay of the Pacific Ocean. The energy was electric and healing. My heart beat in rhythm to the waves crashing into the shore. The sand felt warm or cool on my feet. I gathered treasures from the earth, pebbles, shells, feathers, sea glass and such. The colors and textures healed me.
Now I live in a rain forest, surrounded by trees, with 2 ponds, lots of flowers, and food and herb plants I grow and I heal here. I am energized by the nature in this space and feel loved. I am not raising kids now. It is my time to let go of all that no longer serves me and be my authentic self. It is only when I am being who I truly am, that I can be the partner my partner deserves.
I no longer follow the beliefs of my parents. I found faith in a simpler life, unfettered by man’s interpretation of what god is. I see miracles all around me and I celebrate a divinity, of which I am a part. Connectedness. Oneness. You may find your peace in your own path. Lift your chin and know you are loved too, by something bigger than yourself and by friends you have yet to meet… namaste’.