“We each need to let our intuition guide us, and then be willing to follow that guidance directly and fearlessly.” – Shakti Gawain
I’m working on it. Just when I thought things were calming down and getting into a nice groove, life came along and upset my little apple cart. And not in any way I could have anticipated. Seriously.
So today I found myself unreasonably angry. Really angry. Like I haven’t been angry before and I did not like it one bit. I got a headache, which has been happening for days now and the recognition that this was the nth day of said headache, I had to stop and consider.
You’ve heard me say, my life has never been a picnic, but shouldn’t it lighten up at some point? Shouldn’t all the years of toil and trouble create a lifestyle that works? I know I deserve it. Good god, if anyone does…
And here was this anger exploding all over inside of me and why? Why I asked and then I knew. I’ve held it in for years. Focused on everyone else around me.
This last week of stress shoved me over some edge and I couldn’t take it any more.
I wanted to rotate my tires so I could take this 3 day weekend to run to Oregon to get my bike and my planters and such, at least everything I could fit in my car. I had it all mapped out and had some trip money in the bank. But Noooooooooooooooooo, my tires are too worn and need replaced, so new tires means no trip money. And I heard Becky’s voice in my head, ‘Whenever I get money, someone takes it away from me.’ One money pattern running inside of me. (Thank heavens for EFT!)
Then I thought, well if I can’t go to Oregon, then at least I’ll join the county rec centers for $130, now that I’m 60 and go work out my frustrations. Only on January first of this year, they upped the age to 62 and raised all the rates too. I have been angry for days over this as it is now out of my reach financially.
And every sweet apartment or house I find is out of my budget. I can’t find anything decent I can afford and feel safe in and I wondered how is this possible when I could do it with this same income years ago raising my kids? But it doesn’t work now. I’m $1000 short every month, if I want to live in my own place and afford health insurance.
So no wonder I am so effing angry. Pissed. Frustrated beyond all. There just aren’t words.
And then I thought of my counselor in Oregon, Clint. He taught me the terms hyper-vigilant and I think the other term was hyper-alert, or something like it. It’s how people approach life, who are terribly afraid live. And I’m back there again and it’s because of money and the lack thereof and it’s horribly frightening and I don’t know what to do.
So, I came home, made dinner, finished watching a movie, painted and drank a beer. Two words: Murphy’s Stout. Took the edge off. Perhaps with a good nights sleep, solutions will come with the dawn, which is when this will post.
Sometimes, you just have to stop and do simple things to recuperate from the stresses of your damn life. If this sounds all too familiar, I feel your pain and now you know, you are not alone.