Live Life Fearlessly

“We each need to let our intuition guide us, and then be willing to follow that guidance directly and fearlessly.” – Shakti Gawain

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I’m working on it. Just when I thought things were calming down and getting into a nice groove, life came along and upset my little apple cart. And not in any way I could have anticipated. Seriously.

So today I found myself unreasonably angry. Really angry. Like I haven’t been angry before and I did not like it one bit. I got a headache, which has been happening for days now and the recognition that this was the nth day of said headache, I had to stop and consider.

You’ve heard me say, my life has never been a picnic, but shouldn’t it lighten up at some point? Shouldn’t all the years of toil and trouble create a lifestyle that works? I know I deserve it. Good god, if anyone does…

Not everyone plays nice on the playground. Dont play with those who don't.

Not everyone plays nice on the playground. Dont play with those who don’t.

And here was this anger exploding all over inside of me and why? Why I asked and then I knew. I’ve held it in for years. Focused on everyone else around me.

This last week of stress shoved me over some edge and I couldn’t take it any more.

I wanted to rotate my tires so I could take this 3 day weekend to run to Oregon to get my bike and my planters and such, at least everything I could fit in my car. I had it all mapped out and had some trip money in the bank. But Noooooooooooooooooo, my tires are too worn and need replaced, so new tires means no trip money. And I heard Becky’s voice in my head, ‘Whenever I get money, someone takes it away from me.’ One money pattern running inside of me. (Thank heavens for EFT!)

It's exhausting some days. too exhausting to capitalize letters.

It’s exhausting some days. too exhausting to capitalize letters.

Then I thought, well if I can’t go to Oregon, then at least I’ll join the county rec centers for $130, now that I’m 60 and go work out my frustrations. Only on January first of this year, they upped the age to 62 and raised all the rates too. I have been angry for days over this as it is now out of my reach financially.

And every sweet apartment or house I find is out of my budget. I can’t find anything decent I can afford and feel safe in and I wondered how is this possible when I could do it with this same income years ago raising my kids? But it doesn’t work now. I’m $1000 short every month, if I want to live in my own place and afford health insurance.

Should have been nicer to me. I will talk about you soon...

Should have been nicer to me. I will talk about you soon…

So no wonder I am so effing angry. Pissed. Frustrated beyond all. There just aren’t words.

And then I thought of my counselor in Oregon, Clint. He taught me the terms hyper-vigilant and I think the other term was hyper-alert, or something like it. It’s how people approach life, who are terribly afraid live. And I’m back there again and it’s because of money and the lack thereof and it’s horribly frightening and I don’t know what to do.

Josh makes me smile. This photo from China is awesome!!!

I wish I didn’t need to be tough, though…

So, I came home, made dinner, finished watching a movie, painted and drank a beer. Two words: Murphy’s Stout. Took the edge off. Perhaps with a good nights sleep, solutions will come with the dawn, which is when this will post.

Sometimes, you just have to stop and do simple things to recuperate from the stresses of your damn life. If this sounds all too familiar, I feel your pain and now you know, you are not alone.

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About roxycross

Make a difference in your neighborhood! Check out www.roxycross.com. Namaste'
This entry was posted in hope, lessons learned, live out loud, relationships, transparency, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Live Life Fearlessly

  1. meco6 says:

    Sorry to hear your going through this tough time. Thank you greatly for sharing, it gave me perspective in my own life. I’m often called the steel magnolia. My response has been…”yes but at times even steel breaks.” Sending you good vibes from Oregon.

    • roxycross says:

      It may not seem like much, but I’ve been doing work with Becky Hess, called EFT, Emotional Freedom Technique, I think. It’s tapping and therapy and in a short period of time, less than 2 weeks, all this stuff came up for me to look at! Eweee… I’d rather have it out than in, so I’ll keep doing it. I also, have to believe that when we find things that work for us, and share them with others, the synergy is healing. My next posts are about being happy, which is my default setting! Miss you, too, you gorgeous woman!!! ❤

  2. Josh Cross says:

    I’m sorry you’ve had to go through these difficulties and I haven’t been able to give you support. I hope you have loved ones (blood relatives or not) who are there to encourage and support you. The best advice I can give is to take everything individually. When problems compound upon each other, it can quickly become overwhelming. But when taken piece by piece, things that once seemed impossible, become feasible. Also, pay attention to the experience. Feel all those emotions, the anger, the fear. Let them fill you and don’t hold back. Then release them. Let the emotions flow, then let them go. Remember, everyday that you want to change, you can. I’m not saying it’s easy; of course it’s not. But if life were easy, we could never truly reach our potentials!

    Love you mom, cheers!

    • roxycross says:

      You are amazingly wise, Josh, and I can only wonder at what you have been through to learn these lessons. It is common for the young to rail against adversity, randomly affix blame while focusing outwardly. A wise person, pauses to consider, what is really going on here and what can I do/learn from this experience. The ‘letting things go’ thing is something I’ve been working on for years. This last weekend was a perfect example of peeling back the layers of life’s poor patterns, to get to who I really am.

      I went through life baffled and busy for so many decades. Wondering why things happened to me, in the ways they did, but too busy to do anything about it. Now, with no one but myself to take care of, I make time and now the heal begins!

      The best gift in my life is the angels/people who come with the messages I need, right when I need them, and that includes you. Mui gracias, my son. I am not only very proud of the man you are, but very grateful you are in my life! I see you as mostly fearless and consistently doing the right things, at a higher level than most realize possible.

  3. Pingback: This Girl isn’t so Crazy | To a Peaceable Life

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