When we are raised to be nice and to look for the good in people, we can let this go too far and actually damage ourselves and others. When it is our habit to, for instance, say, ‘Jack the Ripper dressed nice,’ we empower the wrong people and their bad behavior. Predators may have been prey when they were children, but that does not excuse their subsequent predator acts.
You know I highly recommend attending at least 6 Al Anon meetings, to see if you connect with it, as so many of us are enablers, unwittingly making situations worse, in our misguided attempts to fix things. Being co-dependent does nobody any good ever. And it is fixable, but it is also weak and nasty and brings out the worst in people, so why continue?
Passive/aggressive behavior is not nice. Not coming out and saying, what you really believe, instead of attempting to hide it, in a way that makes others feel guilty for your selfish and sneaky behavior, is actually cruel and vicious. It is mean. Stand up and ask for what you want or go away.
Those who have no time for you, until they need something, are narcissistic, self-absorbed, entitled, vain and destructive. Call it what it is. Co-dependent people jump when a narcissist calls. Why? If they have no time for you when you want to spend time, then make new friends and draw a line in the sand, saying you will no longer be treated in such a heartless, cavalier manner.
Victims and martyrs, in a social sense, are pretty sneaky and nasty to deal with, too. You can’t win with them and they will use you to make themselves get the attention they crave and then bad-mouth you to others. We should not feel sorry for them and give them any of your energy, when they choose to act this way. Call it what it is: weak and pathetic and entirely unnecessary. Don’t waste your time.
To live an authentic spiritual life where I am the gatekeeper to my own destiny, in grace, it is important to know what these words mean, see if they apply to me and choose accordingly. Also, to recognize them in others and again, choose accordingly. Here are some definitions and examples from dictionary.com and the Urban dictionary on these terms:
predator – selfish motives, plunder, rob, exploit, takes advantage, overbearing
One who pretends to be someone they are not so they can get what they want from you.
codependent – of or relating to a relationship in which one person is physically or psychologically addicted, as to alcohol or gambling, and the other person is psychologically dependent on the first in an unhealthy way. Having unhealthy emotional attachments to people, pets, and possibly inanimate objects.
Miyoko is so Co-Dependent with her husband, that she will not let anyone else take his temperature, for fear of losing control of him.
passive aggressive – A defense mechanism that allows people who aren’t comfortable being openly aggressive get what they want under the guise of still trying to please others. They want their way, but they also want everyone to still like them.
Jane: It’s time to go, we really should get going now.
Passive Aggressive Ann: Oh…okay. I just…well okay, I GUESS we can leave now.
Jane: Ann, do you want to stay? Is that what you’re trying to get at?
Passive Aggressive Ann: Huh? Oh no, we can leave if YOU want. I just didn’t get to do everything I wanted to do yet, but no no, we can go I guess.
Jane: God dammit Ann! Fine, we’ll stay, are you happy?
Passive Aggressive Ann: Oh okay! Yeah! That sounds great too!
(Ann got her way without having to openly ask for it)
Synonyms: self-centeredness, smugness, ego-centrism, absorption in oneself. A sense of entitlement; narcissists are typically manipulative, haughty, arrogant and generally destructive in their relationships with others.
Carol’s narcissism inspired her first husband to leave everything to her in his will. Some say she drove him into an early grave. She enjoys the money, but now nobody with a brain cell will touch her and her kids don’t want to know her.
victim – Using the word victim in relation to chronic illness or disability is often considered demeaning and dis-empowering.
Pete hates himself. His mother drinks a lot and is often mad. He makes himself responsible for that condition so he can play the victim.
martyr – a person who seeks sympathy or attention by feigning or exaggerating pain, deprivation, etc. An attention whore who puts themselves in harm’s way and/or complains about it, expecting others to feel thankful, impressed or sorry for them. For Glory. One who deliberately puts himself in situations to force sympathy and pity out of those around him.
One who makes his situation sound worse than it ever really will be in order to seek attention. Someone who purposely takes on extra duties or unpleasant activity for the sake of attention and being able to complain about it.
Eli always volunteers to work late and then complains about it. He is such a martyr.
Good things to ponder. Carry on… ❤