Last night I fell asleep thinking about how important this day was to me decades ago. I thought about how happy and excited I was and eager for the morning to come when I would become Mrs. John Cross.
Then I came across a Pin for Pinterest and it got me thinking. Why should I regret something I was once very excited for and anticipated? It seems like that is something I should be able to resolve, at this point in my life.
What an excellent question. So I’ve spent the bulk of the last 24 hours pondering, considering and hoping to put a sweeter spin on a very sad, heartbreaking time for me. Because at one time, all I wanted was to be his wife.
We met when I was still a senior in high school and he went his way and I went mine. After 2 years of college, I came home for the summer and there he was, engaged to someone else. I remember seeing him and knowing he was with someone else and getting this sick feeling inside. I chided myself, because I had no right to have feelings for someone else’s man. I was soooo sweet back then! Well, actually, I still believe taken, means taken!
Then he showed up at my house one day, told me his engagement was off and we talked for hours. Well, actually, he talked and I listened, mesmerized. He didn’t kiss me, and treated me with respect, by keeping his hands off me and it got my attention. Ya know, innocence really is such a treasure. As a young girl I decided to ‘save’ myself for marriage and believed that purity was a gift. It was one that had no value to my future husband. (At this point, I have to say, I never would have gone down that path, had I known what I know now. I would have recognized the signs, but I didn’t then. I was naive and clueless and smitten.)
Ignore the part about the type of ceremony we had, that was not romantic at all and even scary in a few parts. But I sat with my mother and grandmother, with my fiance’ and my father across the aisle beforehand and thought my fears were my fault because, surely my parents would not want me to do something that was harmful to me. Right? Isn’t that the whole purpose of parents?
At least that’s what I thought then.
We left my parents and the private ceremony and flew to New Smyrna Beach, Florida for a one week honeymoon, as a newly married couple. And I was still excited and eager to begin married life with the man I loved and who I believed loved me!
That was January 3rd, 1076. I was a Bicentennial Bride. I believed my whole life was ahead of me and it was going to be golden…
Yah, not even close. When an innocent young woman, who is now married before god, realizes her husband would rather have his own company than hers, the devastation is horrific.
So that was a long time ago and it took me years to rebuild my self esteem, learn who I am and move along with my life. It can be done. If you are suffering in your own life, and who doesn’t have those moments, there is hope. I’m proof. Be brave little one. You got this. I believe in you.